I'm talking about bulimia.
A lot of you will be...I don't know, I mean, how horrible is it to say you're bulimic?
I would say it's pretty awful.
First of all, it's the most hideous horrible haneous side of a personality I could possibly imagine. It is gluttonous, wasteful, selfish, stupid, economically unsound, defeatist, self-imploding...God, the list surely goes ON and ON.
And I know this list. Because I've been bulimic for over twenty years.
TWENTY YEARS. That is just shocking to even type!
But this is the deal. I'm nearing my 35 birthday. I cannot believe I still suffer from this terrible affliction, and I don't pretend to know everything about it. I just know my story, my side, my thoughts, my daily journey that sends me on this path where I promise I won't binge and purge (ugh, can I just say I abhor writing those words down?) and yet, still, STILL, my GOD, STILL! I haven't sustained any long period of time without making myself throw up...in many many years. It's absolutely horrible, I'm ashamed, and it's taking a huge toll on my entire life.
I am single. I work for myself, take care of myself, and my greatest ambition is to actually not just shed this horrible disease, but to TRANSCEND this disease and MAKE something out of it.
I also know, deep down, that there are many others who suffer from this. And so why not start the healing process or attempting a NEW approach to the healing process by blogging about it. I am hoping, deep down, that it will release me from the shackles of shame, personal blame, and stagnation. Perhaps I will actually release myself by connecting to others, through my writing, about this struggle.
This is the first blog I've ever done. It's a little scary. I'm going to keep it anonymous for now. But I hope that it will enable me to see that there's a world out there of people who understand where I'm coming from, and even want to share. I don't know. I don't know my concrete expectations for this blog, I am, as I do many things....just hoping for the best...and putting my best foot forward.
